What Not To Say To People Who Have Depression

We all wish we could help our friends and family who are hurting. Sometimes, the things we say to try to comfort them can actually do more harm than good. Rachael Newham, author of Learning To Breathe, considers what we should and shouldn’t say when speaking to someone who has depression.

We all wish we could help our friends and family who are hurting. Sometimes, the things we say to try to comfort them can actually do more harm than good. Rachael Newham, author of Learning To Breathe, considers what we should and shouldn’t say when speaking to someone who has depression.

Don’t Say:

1. Pull yourself together

Telling someone with depression to pull themselves together is as helpful as telling someone with a broken leg to walk! If they could, they would. Glib sayings such as these are not only unhelpful, but they can prove harmful, perpetuating stigma which can even prevent people from getting the help they need.

2. You can’t have depression because you should be full of the joy of the Lord

This is a common one, and yet it demonstrates a misunderstanding of the word joy! Joy is not happiness in the same way that depression is not sadness. It’s something far more complex and far more steadfast. Joy is rooted in the promise of our salvation and the experience of shalom. Shalom is wholeness, completeness, wellbeing and it can only come from God. Any pursuit of joy is a pursuit of Jesus - and depression doesn’t discount anyone from having a relationship with Him.

3. What do you have to be depressed about?

Depression is not sadness; it’s an illness and so it isn’t necessarily about anything specific. Whilst some depression can be triggered by a traumatic event or life event (such as postnatal depression), for the most part the causes of depression are multi-faceted including chemical imbalances. Depression is not respecter of persons; so even those who seem to ‘have it all’ can develop depression, as evidenced by the tragic suicides recently of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain.

Instead, try saying:

1. How can I help?

Practical help is one of the best ways to demonstrate that you care for someone struggling with depression as it can make day-to-day activities such as the school run really difficult. Ask what it is that you can do to help, and maybe present a few different options if the person you’re supporting is unsure. Enable them to make the decision rather than swooping in and taking over!

2. I’m sorry you’re going through such a rough time

Empathising with someone’s pain is not the same as being sympathetic. Simple phrases such as this can make the world of difference to someone who feels stuck in the isolation of depression. Sympathy looks down, but empathy walks alongside and identifies with what someone else is going through. You don’t need to offer advice or tell stories of other peoples recoveries, you just need to let them know you’re them for them.

3. Nothing

The most important way to support someone with depression is about saying nothing at all; it’s about listening. All too often, we only listen with half an ear or as we think about what to say next, but allowing someone to tell their story not only helps us to understand what they’re going through but may help them to make sense of what they’re going through.

Rachael Newham is the author of Learning to Breathe and the Founder of Christian mental health charity ThinkTwice which provides awareness, training and consultancy to end the stigma against mental illness both in and outside the church. @RachaelNewham90

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