Wave of Light - Baby Loss Awareness Week

It was only two years ago that I found the Wave of Light on Facebook. Now in its sixteenth year, on the 15th of October women who have miscarried are encouraged to light a candle to commemorate their lost ones, posting their photos on social media with the hashtag #WaveofLight. I joined in, lighting a single stubby candle in honour of my four, watching those of others flicker through cyberspace in a swell of unity and feeling connected not just with my babies but with so many (far too many) who have known that bereavement.

Last year, I attended a special service at Norwich Cathedral during Baby Loss Awareness Week. As we all arrived, we were each given a nightlight which was lit at a certain point in the proceedings. To say I was moved is an under-statement. What a powerful metaphor it was, this tiny light in my hand, its hesitant flame so vulnerable in the air currents – even that caused by my own breath – and its lifespan so short. Shielding it with my other hand, I joined the others making their way to the front, where we placed our lights in a row along the stone step near the altar.

I hesitated. Although identical to the others either side of it, I kept my eyes on the light I’d laid down. I knew I should be making my way back to my seat but I couldn’t move. I couldn’t face the pain of saying goodbye yet again. With tears blurring my eyes I did eventually walk on, feeling with every step that I was getting further away from where I really wanted to be. But, as I write in my book on miscarriage (Too Soon, SPCK), I have to remind myself of the greater truth that my babies are not behind me but have gone ahead. Every step I take through life is one nearer to the moment where we are re-united, in that place where the streets shine with everlasting light and where tears and pain are no more.