Don’t make a run for it: National Missing Children's Day

Why might children threaten or try to run away from home? How should a carer or parent respond in this situation?

There are a number of reasons why a child may threaten or try to run away from home. Perhaps the child is under an enormous amount of stress within their family, social or school circles. They may struggle to communicate their distress and the only perceived option they feel they have is to 'escape' their problems by leaving their home environment. Often they may anticipate that by removing themselves physically from a situation that the problem will not pursue them; we know all too often in our own experiences that this does not always occur. It is also important to bear in mind that a child intent on running away may be escaping trauma, or possibly be a victim of some form of abuse whether that be neglect, emotional, physical or sexual.

How to respond 

If a child is threatening to run away, my first piece of advice for any parent or carer is to FACEFEAR. This is a mnemonic that I suggest any one to use when they are faced with the prospect of a difficult conversation with someone they are concerned about.

F is for Face to face. Have, wherever possible, a face to face conversation with your child.

A is for attentive. Listen to your child's reasons for wanting to run away. What are their concerns? Why do they think running away is the solution? It is important that you let your child speak free uninterrupted free from any influence or bias from you.

C is for stay Calm. It can be all too easy to rush in in a flurry of panic and upset; begging your child to stay. Whilst it is understandably an incredibly difficult situation, you need to instil in your child the confidence that they can open up to you, however distressing their reasons are. Your child may worry by sharing their concerns with you they will upset or anger you. So them being faced with an upset or angry emotional response will just serve to validate that and may lead them to clam up further.

F is for facts. There may be things that you have noticed of your child in the preceding days, weeks or months. Share your concerns with your child. Have you noticed that they are more withdrawn for instance? Are they more tearful?

E is for explain. Explain to your child why this (the facts) worries you. I have noticed that you are more withdrawn than normal, you used to always join the family on an evening. You seem to be crying a lot more recently, you were always so happy. The explanation is crucial as it puts your worries into context.

A is for agree an action. Your child may feel that the only solution is to run away from home, from whatever it is they are escaping. Agree with your child that you will check in with them daily, review the symptoms or emotions they have told you about. It might be that your child has disclosed abuse for instance, in which case your agreed action may be to report this to the police and social care. The point of agreeing an action is that your child's difficulties are not just left free floating, there are attempts at a resolution made following the disclosure.

R is for review. This is about you and your child coming back to this conversation, the next day, a few days, a week later. What has happened since you last spoke? Have things got better? Have things got worse? If you haven't already, do you need to involve a health care professional, social care or the police?

How can carers and parents ensure safe online usage? 

There are many heart-breaking reasons children may go missing, but the internet has created more ways for predators to contact children online. How can carers are parents ensure safe online usage?

Honesty and transparency in the home environment is key. Rather than snoop through your child's phone or computer or browsing history, have a frank and open conversation with them. They may well have been taught the basics of internet safety at school, use this as your lead in with the conversation. Show curiosity for what your child is using the internet for; normalise it and encourage the family to be open with what they are accessing on the internet. Avoid putting computers in your child's bedroom. Ensure the computer is in a communal space in the house where your child is visible. It may be that you agree, up front, with your child that you will be routinely checking what is being accessed, rather than conducting these unannounced which more than likely will get your child's back up. Explain where and why your concerns stem from.

Dr Sarah Vohra is the author of Mental Health in Children and Young People.