How can I help my child to open up?

Dr Sarah Vohra, author of Mental Health in Children and Young People, blogs for us on World Mental Health Day. 

It can be a real struggle to open up to others about our concerns and problems, and there’s no worse feeling than not being able to help when you know someone is struggling. 

Dr Vohra provides practical advice to help the conversation flow more freely. 

As a Child Psychiatrist, the question I’m asked most often is: How do I get my child to open up more readily? While there is no secret formula, in my personal experience, I have found the following structure to be quite effective. I have developed the mnemonic FACE-FEAR, which I hope will be a useful tool for any parent or concerned adult wanting to talk to their child:

• talk Face to face
• be Attentive (listen)
• stay Calm
• (E)

Facts
Explain
Agree an Action
Review

FACE-FEAR – an explanation

F is for face to face

Wherever possible, try to have a conversation with your child face to face. Obviously this may not always be practical and you may need to be flexible in how and when you speak to the child.

A is for being attentive, or for active listening

Tempting as it is to rush in with your own worries, give your child the opportunity to speak first. It may be that she has nothing to say to you, but at least you have given her chance to speak free from any influence. If you sense that she needs some encouragement to open up, ask her an open-ended question, in other words a question that forces your child to answer with some detail. In contrast, a closed question is one where your child can only answer with a simple yes or no.

C is for staying calm

It can be all too tempting to start the conversation in a flurry of panic, upset and anger, depending on the situation you are faced with, but it is important that you remain calm. You need to instil confidence in your child that you are able to take on whatever problem she throws at you.

F is for facts and E is for explain

It is important, as a parent, that you are able to point out to your child exactly what it is you are worried about. You may have observed changes in your child’s mood and behaviour that concern you. Your observations are what we refer to as ‘the facts’. As well as pointing these out, it is important that you explain why they worry you. The explanation part is really important as it puts your worries into context. It allows you to show your child why her behaviour is concerning you and, crucially, how it has changed from before.
‘I have noticed that you are snapping at me more recently [fact]; we used to always get on so well [explain].’

A is for agree an action

Once you have worked your way through the first four stages, you need to think about what you are going to do with the information you have gathered. Make sure you include your child in this action stage. As much as possible, you want her to be on board with the plan. Get her opinion. What does she think would help? Ask the child if she thinks speaking to someone outside the family, such as your GP or another healthcare professional, would be helpful.

Be prepared for the possibility that, even at this stage, your child may continue to deny that there is a problem. Be honest if you feel you are coming up against some resistance. Let your child know that you are still worried and give her advance warning of what to expect

R is for review

Arrange to check in with or review your child to follow up your initial conversation. Use the acronym FACE-FEAR. Remember to listen to your child’s responses rather than immediately launching in with your own opinion of how you think things have gone.

One thing to bear in mind when having these conversations is not to expect to receive all the information in one sitting. You may have to sit your child down a few times before she even begins to open up. You may be fed information in dribs and drabs. You may find that the style of your conversation changes from one day to the next. Some days a face-to-face chat may work better, at other times it may be a conversation by text. Your child may be a closed book one day, while on another he is more than happy to speak to you and offload. The point is to try to avoid throwing in the towel and giving up at the first hurdle.

Safe to say if you continue to have concerns about your child’s mental health then do not hesitate to seek advice from your GP or a health care professional.

FACE-FEAR: a recap

F – Face to face
A – be Attentive
C – stay Calm
F – Facts
E - Explain
A - Agree an Action
R - Review

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