Helping the Helper

Fortunately the majority of suicide attempts are unsuccessful. Someone, often a family member, discovers the person who is in the process of trying to end their life before the act is completed. Rightly, resources are mobilised to help the person whose suffering has brought them to this pass. Doctors are brought in, treatment arranged, care given and careful vigilance bestowed on them. But the person usually left behind unnoticed is the one who discovered the suicidal person in the nick of time and who then feels most responsible for protecting and caring for them.

Finding a loved one trying to end their life is both shocking and traumatic, that much is obvious. But what about the other effects and feelings such an event creates? Those carers who consulted me were often burdened by sadness that they and their love were of insufficient value to the sufferer to make their life worth living. Feeling unloved while trying to love someone back to health and happiness is a very lonely place to be. And in truth, if you are caring for someone suffering from severe depression, you are unloved. This isn’t because you are unlovable or because the sufferer has ‘fallen out of love with you’, but because a core symptom of depressive illness is loss of all positive feelings, including love. They may have loved you more than anyone in the world, but once major depression hits, their love will disappear. Hang on in there though. Once recovery happens, as it will, love and all the other lost feelings will return.

Then there are anger and resentment. ‘How could he do this to me? How come everyone is sympathetic and all over him, while I’m left to pick up the mess?’ These feelings are especially difficult to handle because you feel you can’t express them. They sound so unsympathetic and disloyal. Here’s the thing though: they are natural and most people in this position feel them. So don’t beat yourself up for having them. Share them with someone you trust if you can. Your confidante will need to be someone wise enough not to jump to the wrong conclusions or to deliver facile solutions though. Many friends want to solve your sadness, to make it go away. If you are such a friend, resist the urge to side with the carer who is confiding in you and against the person who harmed himself. Just listen, sympathise, accept their feelings and try to share the burden of them. Ask them what they need from you, rather than trying to find answers. Being able to express feelings without fearing that you are harming your loved one is of immense value, much more than being given unwanted advice. ‘Oh, that’s rotten, poor you’ is usually better than ‘why don’t you.....’

If the person who attempted suicide is your spouse, your relationship will very likely have been damaged by what happened. Wait until recovery from the depressive illness or whatever condition lay behind the suicide attempt has happened and then start talking together about the event and the feelings it caused. If you need help with this, joint marital counselling is available through the organisation ‘Relate’. Remember that nobody is to blame here, so be gentle with each other as you try to work through this difficult time together.

Recovery from a trauma, such as finding someone you love attempting suicide in a violent or horrific way, takes time. If you suffer repeated flashbacks (intrusive and vivid recollections), are irritable, startle easily, feel emotionally numb and tend to avoid things and places which remind you of the event, you may be suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), in which case you need to see your GP. PTSD can be tenacious if untreated, but usually responds well to appropriate therapy.

Some carers not surprisingly suffer with anxiety, fearing what catastrophe may happen next, while others find themselves slipping into depression. I can’t tell you how often I saw one spouse or partner recover from a depressive illness, only for the other to develop one. The point is that all of these effects of witnessing and coping with a suicide attempt are treatable. If in doubt seek professional help. Your GP is a good starting point.

In summary, if someone you care about has experienced a suicide attempt in their household, don’t forget that they need your support too. If it’s you who were first on the scene, remember that you saved a life. Give yourself credit, try to look after yourself, seek support and wait for the person you knew to return as their depression lifts. Recognise that you can only do your best; nobody can guarantee another person’s safety, however vigilant they are. Above all, remember that you matter too.

If you need help explaining to friends how you feel and what you need, maybe get them to read this piece as a start.